Internal Conflict...the rest of the story

After a harrowing night of plane delays and rescheduling, I returned to my original flight (once I knew it was actually going to take off!) We left TX at almost 2am and arrived home around 6am. I went straight to bed, woke up at noon to spend one last half-day with my girl before taking her to college.

We made it to one store before both of us ran out of steam. I had been battling respiratory symptoms all week, but they had escalated in the last 24 hrs. Long story made short: I have Covid and an ear infection. With Sam having Cystic Fibrosis, I can't even chance wearing a mask and being in a car with her for 3 1/2 hours. Even if I could travel with her to her school, I wouldn't be able to touch anything. 

We've made the painful decision for me to stay home. Just like flying to see my mom on Monday was the only option, staying home today is the only option. I love this girl too much to put her or other college students at risk. Trying to find laughter amidst the blah:

1) I wrote Sam a letter and then realized at the end that she can't touch it!  So, Dan opened a ziploc bag, and I dropped the letter inside like we're dealing with hazardous material. It will literally quarantine (just to be safe) until Sam needs to read it.

2) We were musing about how this week has gone, when Sam's clothes started falling off hangers. She was like "yep, we're just coming up smith." And we all started laughing so hard. What else is there to do?

#comingupsmith

Internal Conflict

 

We take my daughter to college on Saturday. This week was going to be lots of girl time, getting last things for the dorm, and treasuring the final days of my “Baby Girl” living at home. On Sunday I learned that my mom, who lives across the country, was in grave medical danger.  I had no other choice but to go there in person and make sure she was getting the medical care she needed. 

I’ve never felt so torn in my life. Even now, 5 days later, I’m still sobbing thinking about it. I cried in the uber all the way to the airport, on the plane, and in the rental driving to the hospital. I wasn’t crying because I was sad to go to my mom…I wanted to do that. I just wish being with my mom didn’t have to mean being away from my daughter. 

All these feelings made me think of Philippians 1:23-24. Paul says, “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” I am not trying to compare being with my mother or daughter like being with Christ, but I think it’s the first time I have really felt to my core the internal conflict Paul had.

My flight to get back to my daughter has been delayed, which has given me time to write this while sitting in the airport. I’m crying once again because, while my mom is in good hands, it’s hard to leave her. I want to help her, but I want my daughter to always remember I was there for her when she stepped out into the world on her own. I want to be in two places at once. 

The truth is my internal turmoil ends up being what Paul was talking about. This world we live in is imperfect. On the best day it has to offer, there will be sorrow and angst. One day we will see Jesus face to face. Sickness and conflict will be no more. Revelation 21:4 promises “He will wipe every tear from their (Alicia’s) eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” I LONG for that day!!!

He is my hope

It's January 2nd, and I got on the scale tonight.  Those 25 pounds I lost in 2021 and "knew" I would never let come back are back...and they brought some evil friends.  What's worse is I had done it.  I had cut out sugar. I had a lifestyle of exercise. I was experiencing the joy of not being enslaved to food.  And yet somehow I'm right back where I don't want to be, hoping this year can be different.  

Of course I just feel in my gut that I will fail again, but my only option is to start over.  I won't succeed with the current trend, so tomorrow I take the first step with a new plan.

This last December we did advent as a family.  We read several Old Testament scriptures that shared the hope of a Savior that would come (The Messiah!) That hope was everything!  

I have to start my eating plan with hope.  I know hope is powerful.  It provides focus and desire.  Hope creates goals.  Hope is joy-filled. When people were hoping for a Savior, they were given prophesies about Him to know what to expect and what He would be like, where he would be born, and what his lineage would be.  Their hope was based in truth.  

Since I have stopped and started healthy eating many times, I've learned a few things. I know what works, and I know what trips me up.  I know I am my own worst enemy, and I can't blame my weaknesses on anyone else.  I also know that I CAN resist temptation (when I feel like it).  So, I am going to hope that I will choose to make the right decisions. I already know that I won't always make the right choices, but perhaps I can make more this year than I did last year?  A girl can hope!

Valentine's Day: Words of Affirmation

If you look in the right-hand margin, you'll see that my first blog post was in 2007, my last was in 2014, and I was most active in 2008 & 2009.  I had a lot of fun, but then Facebook became easy to use, and I let the blog fizzle out.  This past week a blog post came up in my Facebook memories about a Valentine's Day during a deployment entitled V-day stands for Video Teleconferencing!

It turns out my husband is deployed again now, and I emailed him the blog post because I thought it was funny that I didn't remember any of the details I had written 12 years ago.  He didn't either, and I commented that it makes me want to blog again.  His response was "Oh, you'd make me so happy if you started that backup." My heart swelled with happiness as I read that!

And I guess that's because words matter, don't they?  They matter on Valentine's Day, and they also matter all the other days of the year. Perhaps my love language is words of affirmation, but even if yours is not, scripture tells us how important words are...

Proverbs 16:24 "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

Matthew 4:4 "But he [Jesus] answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' "

Matthew 4:4 teaches us that the source of the words matter.  If someone I don't care too much about flatters me, it doesn't have the same effect as someone whose words I value.  And I value my husband's words.  He's the writer of the family.  I have blogged as a hobby, but he writes books.  You can read his latest book, Saving Ebenezer, here...it's really good.  Since I know he is a good writer AND it matters to me what he thinks, that one sentence made my day!

So guess what I'm doing?  I'm starting my blog back up!  Many things have changed in 12 years: we have added a 3rd child to the family, and she's 8!  My oldest is about to be an adult, which is bringing entirely new thoughts and feelings to my life.  We have moved 4 times since then, we live in a different state, and it won't be too long before we transition from military life to civilian life.  But one thing has not changed...God's WORD.  He is the true Source of all wisdom and love...His words matter most, and they are applicable to anything we are going through.  

I'm excited about our future experiences that I'll write about, forget about, and be reminded of 10 years down the line!  And even when my writing doesn't stack up against someone else's, I'm going to know that my husband is glad I'm doing it.  And perhaps the Valentine's Day gift I can give him is making sure he knows that I listen to him and receive his words of affirmation.  I love you, honey.

Happy Valentine's Day!  

Dead People's Bones (Matthew 23:27-28)

It's Halloween, so for the last few weeks we've seen a lot more skeletons around than we normally do.  Some are cutesy, some are gruesome, but what if all could be reminders?  What if every time we spot a skeleton we recall Matthew 23:27-28:

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."

I love how Jesus paints a picture to speak truth!  In this passage, he was addressing hypocrites, or those who's actions rarely match their words.  In fact, earlier in Matthew 23 Jesus tells everyone to "do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do."  Their outward appearance was appealing to the eye in every way, like a beautiful sepulcher, but their hearts were sinful (as disgusting as soul-less bodies). Jesus hated it!

What secret area of our lives do we live in hypocrisy?  

Let's be honest.  Isn't it nice when our lives looks lovely?  We would rather people not know what's underneath and others would probably rather not know either.  But Jesus says "Woe!", meaning "grievous distress, affliction, or trouble" may come to you.  When our outward life doesn't match our inward heart, we're in more danger than we think! 

How do we address this problem of hypocrisy?

Repent!  We must acknowledge and confess our sin to the Lord, and we may also need to confess it to people.  James 5:16a says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed."  

Give in secret!  Matthew 6:1-4 says, "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they be praised by others.  Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.  But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

What can we do this week for God's glory that no one has to know about?

Unglued Devotional by Lysa Terkeurst

After reading Made to Crave, I was very excited to have the opportunity to read the Unglued Devotional also by Lysa Terkeurst. This is a companion devotional to the bestselling book Unglued.  Together the two books encourage readers to handle emotional struggles and have more peaceful relationships. The book is divided into 60 days of devotional entries.  Each one includes a daily opening Scripture, a truth-based thought for the day, a 1-2 page devotion, and a closing prayer. 

I highly recommend this book!  I read it each morning as my quiet time devotional.  Because each established “day” of devotion is a short nugget, even this busy stay at home mom could find the time to read it.  But that is not to say it is shallow.  The book immediately directs the reader to Scripture, challenges us to move beyond our predicted, possibly ineffective paths of reacting, and gives us a thought for the day to remind us of who God truly is.  I definitely experienced uncomfortable moments while reading the book because I was forced to move out of my comfort zone into new ways of relating to people. The order of each daily entry was a natural flow of my emotional journey, so that just when I was curious about the next step there was new truth to guide me.  I suggest purchasing both the Unglued book and the companion Devotional, as the combination will just further deepen any reader’s understanding.

Responding to Immanuel

As I read Luke 2 this year, the specific wording of verses 17-19 jumped out at me:

¹⁷ When they [referring to the shepherds] had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

As a mom of an 8 month old, I can relate to Mary.  My 3rd born is a precious infant, and knowing she is most likely my last I find myself savoring every milestone and memory.  I "treasure" and "ponder" often.

But what strikes me in these verses is not only what Mary did, but that it was in contrast to what the shepherds did:  "But Mary..."  What makes these two interactions to Jesus' arrival so different?

Relationship-perhaps the most obvious difference is that Mary was his mother, and the shepherds were strangers.  What an odd pairing at a birthing scene.  How many times are total strangers the first to visit a mom and baby in the hospital?  Grandparents often, perhaps aunts and uncles, but never strangers.  Do you feel closely connected to Jesus or do you feel like a stranger?  Whatever your role, his birth was meant for you.

Notice-while she didn't know all the details, Mary knew this night was coming, and we'll never know the range of emotions she had leading up to it.  In contrast, the shepherds were "living out in the fields nearby keeping watch over their flocks by night" (Luke 2:8) when they learned the Messiah had been born.  God IS going to show up in your life!!  Sometimes you may have some warning of the big things He has in store and sometimes you may not.  I pray either way that you are ready.

Reaction-the shepherds shouted from the roof tops (so to speak) while Mary was introspective.  The scripture gives us no indication that one response is better than the other...only that they are different.  Sometimes an encounter with God is so powerful we can't be quiet!  Jeremiah 20:9 says, "...his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."  Other experiences, often born out of deep pain, produce quiet intimacy...so Mary pondered.

The true beauty of this scene is not so much how they differed, but what they had in common.  They were both obedient, trusting, and full of faith.  They demonstrated

WORSHIP

Why does this matter to us this Christmas Day?  Each of us have our own set of circumstances that lead up to an encounter of the Christ Child.  We may have Christianity in our lineage, we may not...we may know where to find God, we may not...and lastly our meeting with Messiah may excite us or humble us.  Every encounter, however, is meant to produce honor and glory only reserved for the Almighty!

O come let us adore Him

O come let us adore Him

O come let us adore Him

Christ the Lord

For You alone are worthy

For You alone are worthy

For You alone are worthy

Christ the Lord

We'll give You all the glory

We'll give You all the glory

We'll give You all the glory

Christ the Lord

Beauty for Ashes by Dorothy Love

Beauty for Ashes is a romance novel with a historical backdrop.  Carrie and Griff are both very different, but what they have in common is that life has treated them differently than expected.  We meet Carrie Daly after she is widowed and before her luck seems to turn around.  Carrie is a post-Civil War Cinderella, seemingly bound to spend her life doing manual labor for ungrateful family members.  Her loneliness and pain not only make her sympathetic, they make us want to root for her...hope for her that one day she will have joy.

Enter Griff, the mysterious, out of towner who's stranger status brands him a bad boy.  Griff is formerly part of high society, but has been estranged from his family for years.  After some chance encounters with Carrie that show his kindness as well as his strength, we immediately want the two of them to fall in love!  Because of their pasts, Carrie and Griff have some important lessons to learn.  Many twists and turns bring them in and out of each other's lives, making the reader wonder if they will end up together.

The hope that these two could be together forever means never wanting to put the book down!

Nick of Time by Tim Downs

Book jacket: The Bug Man is getting married on Saturday . . . if his fiancée can find him. Forensic entomologist Nick Polchak lives in a world of maggots and decomposing bodies. Nick and Alena are scheduled to be married on Saturday-but there's one small problem. Nick has disappeared. Caught up in a murder case involving an old friend, Nick finds himself on a manhunt that's drawing him farther from the church where Alena is waiting. Could Nick's single-minded focus cause him to forget his own wedding? Is he really pursuing a killer, or is he running away from something else?

Anyone with a mild interest in any of the forensic tv shows on today will enjoy this book immensely. The science is fascinating! Not only that, the characters are quirky enough that we care about them. They make us want to know more about them, and they provide a lightheartedness against the backdrop of the murder mystery. The plot is intriguing with good twists and turns, and I love that it didn’t end in the predictable way. This book made me want to read the ones that had come before it and the ones coming afterwards! I definitely recommend!

New Wii Rules (Say that 3 times fast!)

Today I established new Wii rules in the home.  I've been meaning to for a while, but this morning's events necessitated I implement them immediately.  The one clear cut rule we have had is no electronics before school, and the kids broke it this morning.  Things have been a little wonky with the Christmas holidays, so I didn't punish them beyond making them get off immediately.  [Although since I came up with our "new" Wii rules while they ate breakfast, they may consider it a punishment!]

Disclaimer:  The purpose of these Wii rules is for boundary setting, not extreme limiting.   Our Wii rules are going to sound very generous.  It's not as much the time I am concerned about as actually wanting to teach my children to get on and off the Wii when I tell them.

Our new rules:  

1)  3 hours a day for ALL electronics (Wii, computer, and tv)
2)  Each child gets 6 30-min increments.  Use it or lose it.
3)  Back to back increments are not allowed to be used on the Wii.

Electronics time that doesn't count against them:  School work on the computer and CF Vest treatment

Adding this rule tomorrow (because I didn't think about it when I wrote the rules today):

4)  If I get any sort of disrespect when I notify them of the end of the 30 minutes they lose another increment.

So far it's working as well as you can expect the first day of new rules to go.  Samantha made it 20 minutes into her first Wii span, and then got distracted.  She wanted to be able to use up the other 10 minutes later, but I'm not doing that (see #2).  That's actually part of my plan for creating 30 minute increments.   She has only used up that 1 chunk.  Timothy has already used up 4 of his 6 chunks (1 hour on Wii, 30 min on computer, and 30 min on tv).  He's going to have a rude awakening pretty soon, but it won't be my problem!

2012: Back to the Basics

I'll be honest.  Goal setting is not my favorite thing to do, but after reading my friend's blog post for her 2012 goals I was inspired to organize some thoughts.  The irony is that I started writing this post this morning in my "free time", and at the end of the day I'm not even half way done. And me getting side tracked by blog writing falls under the #6 priority I'm going to list, so I'm condensing this entire post in the hopes to start the year off right! The most important event happening in our family this year is the birth of our 3rd child in April, and so because of that my "Word of the Year" is "BASICS":

1.  Bible Reading-it is foolish to think we can enter a new year on solid ground without this.  I have found a read the Bible thru in a year guide.  I don't plan on pressuring myself to complete every last verse with a newborn on the way, but having a guide will maximize the reading I can do!  I know that one-on-one time with the Lord is special.  And reading his Word daily will help me focus on eternal things when life is being lived in 3-hour eat-play-sleep cycles!

2.  Household Chores-boy this one doesn't sound nearly as enjoyable as #1!   Fact is it has to get done, and everyone in the home is more relaxed when they have a clean house and clean clothes.  I will most especially push this in the next 3 months to get us off on the right foot!  To stay motivated, I'll utilize some handy websites (www.flylady.net, www.orgjunkie.org) and read good books to help me with my attitude (The Practice of the Presence of God, Taking Care of the Mommy in Me).

3.  Health & Fitness- My husband and I could always lose more weight, my daughter always needs to gain more weight, and my son needs to increase the number of foods he eat.  Food is a bit of a stressor in our home!   I'll be using the Best Odds Diet to get me through the 3rd trimester and nursing.  I've already started meal planning, which although time consuming, definitely helps in the grocery run and helps me not have to think of what to make on a given day.  Sleep deprived people can always benefit from not having to make smart choices in a hurry.  The calendar can just tell me what to cook!  I know working out regularly will also help my sleep patterns with a newborn.

4.  Finances-Before we moved a year ago we finally gave away all our baby stuff because "we were done".   So in the next 3 months I have lots to buy.  It's not the time to forget what I know helps our sanity...living within our means.  So it may get hard to make all those purchases with cash, but for our own peace we must.

5.  Medical-Our daughter has a disease that requires daily medications and breathing treatments.  Our son receives special services weekly that benefit him greatly.  My husband and I both take prescription medication for chronic conditions.  It will be crucial that we learn how to stick to these necessary routines while integrating a new member into the family.

6.  And so the most important priority is that we don't do anything else!  I realize these "basics" are as simple as it gets, but that's the point.  At the end of this year, I may not have quantitative markers to show I accomplished anything, but if we have been able to continue the "basics", live in *relative* harmony, and introduce a fifth person into our mix after six years of being a family of four, then I will be satisfied. 

Sharing a Book Giveaway!

Heidi, over at Our Out-of-Sync Life, has started a series called "A New Year...A New You!".   To kick off the series she has posted a Book Review and Giveaway today!  With all kinds of fashion tips to make looking our best easier than it is now, this book looks fun and beneficial!

2011 > 2012

2011 In Review:

• February "Blizzard of 2011"
• April-Timothy got glasses.  He loves them!
• June-My first homeschooling conference.
• August-Dan made Chief, and I found out I was pregnant! 
• September-Samantha's sinus surgery & first CF related hospitalization
• November-Discovered we were having a little girl

2011 was a kind year to us.  The 5 years prior to this one have stretched us beyond belief, so I have to admit it was nice to have a slight reprieve. 

 

Looking ahead to 2012:

• As Samantha continues to have weight issues, she will be getting a g-tube if we don't see some consistent progress.  Praying hard about that.
• In early April, we meet Hannah Grace!  Big changes ahead!
• Timothy will continue receiving amazing therapy.
• Dan will start getting paid as a Chief-yippee!!

I'm grateful to God for the hard years and the "easier" ones.  Whichever 2012 turns out to be, I can't wait to experience it with my precious Savior.