Internal Conflict

 

We take my daughter to college on Saturday. This week was going to be lots of girl time, getting last things for the dorm, and treasuring the final days of my “Baby Girl” living at home. On Sunday I learned that my mom, who lives across the country, was in grave medical danger.  I had no other choice but to go there in person and make sure she was getting the medical care she needed. 

I’ve never felt so torn in my life. Even now, 5 days later, I’m still sobbing thinking about it. I cried in the uber all the way to the airport, on the plane, and in the rental driving to the hospital. I wasn’t crying because I was sad to go to my mom…I wanted to do that. I just wish being with my mom didn’t have to mean being away from my daughter. 

All these feelings made me think of Philippians 1:23-24. Paul says, “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” I am not trying to compare being with my mother or daughter like being with Christ, but I think it’s the first time I have really felt to my core the internal conflict Paul had.

My flight to get back to my daughter has been delayed, which has given me time to write this while sitting in the airport. I’m crying once again because, while my mom is in good hands, it’s hard to leave her. I want to help her, but I want my daughter to always remember I was there for her when she stepped out into the world on her own. I want to be in two places at once. 

The truth is my internal turmoil ends up being what Paul was talking about. This world we live in is imperfect. On the best day it has to offer, there will be sorrow and angst. One day we will see Jesus face to face. Sickness and conflict will be no more. Revelation 21:4 promises “He will wipe every tear from their (Alicia’s) eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” I LONG for that day!!!