May 29, 2008

Awake with thoughts

So I'm bombarded with thoughts tonight. Since I can't sleep, I might as well just get them out. This post is going to seem way more like a diary entry than most my posts do, so just take this as the rantings of someone who really needs sleep and should have picked up a pen and paper.

1. I have to go to the ER tomorrow when Dan gets home because my insurance won't let me schedule an appt with my PCP in my current condition (just upper GI stuff). So even though I've had these symptoms for 2 weeks, I'm just now getting them checked out because my husband's been gone. And I had this crazy thought that after sitting in the ER for who knows how many hours (I'll tell you tomorrow) that they may refuse my referral. Oh my.

2. Timothy's teacher went on vacation 2 weeks ago (with 4 weeks left of school), and I wasn't notified. Timothy accidentally told me after the 1st week. I called the director saying, "Timothy was saying something, and I just KNOW it can't be true, but..." Sure enough. She'll be back the last day of school. Change is not something Timothy handles well (wasn't that the understatement of the century?) That makes the 3rd issue on my mind not so surprising...

3. His behavior has reverted/changed/magnified. I don't know what word to use, but he's different and struggling. It's not like it was in our really bad days where he couldn't handle anything all day, and it would take an hour to end a tantrum. (Oh, the memories) Things now are very acute, so when it's bad it's BAD. And there are new things that he never did before like chewing/sucking on everything. I don't know what to make of it. Another thing he's doing is needing to touch everyone and everything. This is the same boy who would barely let me touch him before the age of 3. We have an appt with the dr on Tues for this.

4. He's such a paradox, though, because on the flip side he's doing the best he's ever done. His SS teacher was even commenting on it Sun. He has matured more in this 4 month span than I've ever seen him. And I have to praise the Lord for that. We "all but" decided at the time that we would let him start Kinder, but I've prayed and prayed that it would be the right decision. I've seen T grow in leaps and bounds in terms of self-control (which makes #3 all the stranger).

5. And that's another thing whirling around in my head. I have another school tour tomorrow morning (before my ER visit!) My second of three. I thought there was no way I was going to like any of them or the process at all. However, I loved the first one and in the days that followed found out little extra things here and there that added to that. So I'm just wondering will the same thing happen? will I think every school I visit is "the school" because I just personally love learning? and yet have no concept of what I'm actually supposed to be looking for in a school? will the 1st school decide not to add that 2nd Kinder class and T not get accepted? just because the school is good, does that mean the teacher is a good fit for all of his needs? he has so many needs, and some days (most days) I am not only inadequate for any of them, I feel inadequate. when will my identity as a person not be based on how my son behaves? how can someone I didn't even know for the 1st 30 years of my life now be what my life seems to continually revolve around? why can't I just find my identity in Christ like I know I'm "supposed to"?

Okay, I'm tired. Thanks.

5 comments:

Sharon said...

Oh, dear girl -- I feel your turmoil. Thanks for being REAL, and we can all certainly relate on some level. I will pray that the Lord will walk extra close to you today, as you tour the 2nd school, as you go to the ER, and as daddy rejoins the gang. You'll make it girl -- God must have a lot of faith in you, as we know He won't give us more than we can handle. Lean on HIM through it all. I know that I tend to try to do things in my flesh, when scripture promises us that "I can do ALL things through CHRIST, who strengthens me". God bless you today, friend.

Christi said...

Ok so I just thought to myself I need to check blogs, to see if you had written because I hadn't seen anything from you in a while...I am sorry that things are rough. I will call this afternoon and if you can talk great, if not I will keep trying! I love you!

jill said...

you know what, you are MORE than adequate in handling your child b/c God gave him to YOU and no one else. you have such a strong faith and He knew, that while you'll struggle, that you'd lean on HIM and you will succeed in raising this sweet boy. i know that's easy for me to say, and i'm in no way in your situation, but i DO know you well enough to know that you trust the Lord faithfully. hang in there. He'll reward you, and Timothy will most likely grow to be a strong leader for the Lord :)

SarahJeanie said...

I'm praying for you today! May you feel peace in a supernatural way!

Natasha said...

I love your heart. So many of the same struggles you go through with T I go through with B. I have spent a lot of time praying about not worrying about what others think of me and my children (especially B). God made him and his passion and God gave him to me because He trusted that I would seek Him to be the mother B needs me to be. When I don't god is right there to fill the gaps.
Everything you were wrote tuched a cord with me. We have seen B grow in leaps and bounds in maturity and thnigs that would could not have done a year ago without massive melt downs are now easy. HOWEVER< the melt downs he has are so much more passionate these days - easier to subdue- but much more passionate....
I love my boy and I trust God will do great things with his life!
I love your heart and your transparency. Thanks!