I had a weird sense from the beginning of this day that something bad was going to happen. Ever have a day like that? And for a long time my day was going very nicely (quality time with the Lord, wonderful time with the kids, brake pads won't cost too much, got a nap in, etc). In fact, I would have blogged earlier about my nice little happy day except that I knew it wasn't over. And sure enough, something hit me from left field. That's how it always happens doesn't it? And it's really not just something, it's someone. Someone hurt me. I won't go into who it was or how they did it (because my blog's purpose is not gossip), but it's the kind of hurt that goes to the core. I want to change it, fix it, apologize FOR them, and yet none of that is possible.
About 2 hours before this event, I read this: "...Nothing in us can absorb sin. Nothing. Even when we are the one being sinned against, we still cannot handle sin, because sin done to us will always ignite the nature of the sin already in us. So, we give ourselves permission to act out sinfully. Twisted, isn't it? It all makes us want to scream, 'That isn't fair. I wasn't the one who started this. I wasn't the one who sinned!' And we're right. It is not fair. Sin does not play fair." I think I could have spoken those words myself!
So here I am in an honest to goodness moment where something was actually done wrong to me, and yet my brilliant solution to it is to see how many ways I can sin in reaction to it. If I don't "react", what is left to do? Admit the pain of being betrayed and unloved. Here I am admitting it. I'm too tired to do anything else.
I'm so glad that God's nature is different from mine. My sin did not ignite sin in Him because he is sinless. Instead, he sent his son to die on a cross, so that my sins might be forgiven and I might have his Spirit nature. Colossians 3:13 says "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." That's quite a standard! It seems that the process of forgiveness and confession go hand in hand. If I'm going to experience the pain of wrongs done to me and subsequent forgiveness for those, I might as well dive into the pain of my own unconfessed sin.
The precious thing about our Lord is that in the very moment we confess our sin and hurts, He is there speaking the truth of His love into our lives. Why do I try to pretend I'm not hurt or not sinning when I know my Lord just wants to make me whole? "And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before Him at His coming." 1 John 2:28